Through
the years I have sat with many couples and talked with them before they got
married, while they were married and in the midst of their married
problems. There are a couple of
things that I tell couples often. A
few months ago my doctor and I were talking about situations he has with
patients and their marriages and my situations in counseling marriages. It was amazing how simple his answers
were and how they lined up with scriptures. In this devotional I am going to be as “straight forward” as
possible, gleaning from our conversations that day. So, with open eyes and an open heart, consider seriously
what I am sharing. It could very
well save your marriage from destruction.
Let’s start with a Bible verse. In 1
Corinthians 7, verses 1-5 we read this. “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let
every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render
unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the
husband. The wife has not power of her own body, but the husband: and
likewise also the husband has not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time,
that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again,
that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency."
The term
“due benevolence” is a two way
street that is ignored in our culture today. Our excuse usually is that we are too tired or too
busy. Most women take offense to
this as well as some men. It’s
ignored because we live in a society where it has to be “all about me.” That selfish reality is destroying
marriages, causing them to be susceptible to emotional affairs and physical
affairs. Eventually, it will lead
to separation and divorce. How
many of our friends and family have divorced over the years and are no longer
in church? Social media has
destroyed homes and relationships and made us an “all about me” society.
These
verses in Corinthians are ignored in our busy society today. But remember and understand that
marriage was designed by the Lord for a man and a woman to become One Flesh. The home, the husband and wife, were
the first institution created in the Bible in the beginning.
When you
get married, you no longer have control over your own bodies. As a pastor and a counselor, I hear
about a lot of “defrauding going on” in the marriage bed. Sex becomes a once a week thing
or even worse. I’ve never heard anyone
come in my office and ask, “What can I
do to save MY marriage?” Usually it’s things like “they do this
and that.” Never is there a focus
on the “I” or “ME” factor.
Many men
would like to have sex once a day.
I know that is hard to understand for ladies, but it’s true none-the-less. Men are actually wired to be sexually
driven. Sure, that’s hard for a
woman who works, who is pregnant, nursing or raising kids. But ladies, pleasing your man
could take only a few minutes or so and keep him from being so moody around the
house. Unfulfilled desires are the
biggest factor of becoming the “two ships passing in the night” situation.
The Three Reasons
One of
the first things that I share with a couple, whether they are about to get
married or coming in for counseling is the “Three Reasons People Get
Divorced”. They may seem
simple, but it is the simple things that spouses always ignore, that cost
them. These are in no given order
of priority, but the first one is a big one where men are concerned.
The
first one is sex. Whether it is
the lack of it, intimacy issues, physical problems etc, sex is a big deal. The second reason is money. Financial problems create stresses that
lead to many different problems emotionally and physically. The third reason is children. Children are a blessing from the
Lord! But better said, “the
pressure of children” can create problems in your marriage relationship.
The
verses that we started with plainly deal with the sexual relationship in our
marriages. If it is important for
the Holy Ghost to inspire the writer, then each of us need to take it
seriously. Let’s deal with sexual
relationships in our marriages for the rest of this article.
One of the things I share with couples is found in Proverbs 5:15-19, “Drink water from
your own cistern, And running water from your own well. Should your fountains
be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your
own, And not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice
with the wife of your youth. As a
loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And
always be enraptured with her love.”
Ladies you
are the cistern, or the covered pot to be correct. No one has the right to touch that pot
but the husband and only your husband can remove its cover. The fountain (which should be
clearly understandable), your man’s “fountain” doesn’t belong to him when
married, but to you the woman. If
a man “disperses his fountain abroad” with someone other than his wife,
he risks having “rivers in the streets”, or, easier said, children
coming up to him from other partners saying, “Hey Daddy!” This is because he is not satisfying
his thirst or being denied his drink from his covered pot, his well,
his wife. Or in the case of a woman,
she’s not being satisfied by her fountain, her husband. How’s that for being straight forward? Oh the Word of God is amazing when you
really look at it. It’s got the
answers. It’s life and medicine to
ALL your flesh!
You see,
if you are “defrauding one another”, as the verses in Corinthians talk
about, you are opening up the door in your marriage for resentment, emotional
issues and more! Once you are
married you give up the right of control over your body. A lot of women and men defraud their
spouse of their bodies. They do it
out of their own pride and selfishness.
As
ladies and men too, we need to not think of sex as a chore. If you do, shame on
you. We need to let it be that we
are making the most important person in our life happy. When you have a crying baby, they quit
whining and crying when you feed them.
Isn’t that right?
According
to these verses in Corinthians, the Lord knew how important a satisfying sexual
relationship should be. When you
deprive one another, it will harm and separate you emotionally. If your man is not getting it from you
he may go elsewhere. Men have a physical need for sex that most women just don't understand and
comprehend, but God did and He gave this scriptural instruction to us. It
is vital that we believe it and obey it!
We really can take this scripture at face value and obey it. Yes
it is that simple! But if you will think about it and obey it, then you could
be reaping the rewards of doing things God's way.
So many
spouses are Obsessive Compulsive about the wrong things at the wrong
times. I heard one lady minister share to a group of ladies that when you loose
your keys, you’ll dump your purse out, empty your pockets and more, till you
find them. Ladies have you lost
your keys? Your spouse is the most
precious, best friend that you have in your life. You should treat them as such. You should love them and prize them.
The Bible
tells us, “For this cause shall a man
leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife.” (Matthew19:5,
Mark 10:7, Ephesians 5:31) The
word, cleave, means to “stick
like glue or to forever chase after.”
Think about that for a moment.
When you first met you did things for each other. You got a little crazy too, bedroom
crazy. You did things to “light the
fire and keep it lit.” The chase
is important to your relationship.
Ladies, it’s really important to your man.
Most men
like doing things for their wives.
When you start to complain about what he does and deny him the
opportunity, you will train him just like a whooped puppy and he will
stop. Men are really wired to
chase. Men are hunters and they
love the hunt and the catching of the prize. When you stop them from chasing you, they will become
unfulfilled and they will draw back.
They will become emotionally damaged and it can even affect their “stamina.” No drug can fix that but YOU. You’ll be frustrated and not realize how
it started.
When
your husband is in the mood and he makes advances toward you, don’t deny him,
don’t push him off or make him wait too long. He will eventually take it as you rejecting him. Men have a sex drive that is powerful and it can be broken. God made him that way. Making it a matter of schedule or
making him ask for a “time frame” will train him to stop. It makes him feel emotionally rejected
by you. You must make time and take the time for each other. Men are emotional, but they are different
in how they are wired. Sure, there
is balance in having the right time and moment for our intimacies. But you should never cut him or her
off. The more you push your spouse
away, they will become “gun shy” of you.
They will become afraid to touch and shy to advance. With your husband, you’ll be breaking
him, right out of how God made him.
When we do that, we are going against how the Lord designed us and going
against His Word.
You
wouldn’t send your kids to bed hungry would you? So many spouses send their
most precious, best and intimate friend to bed hungry. Most women will complain about their
moody, angry, short tempered and irritable husbands. Usually, it will come down to one thing, because of the whole
due benevolence and chase factor.
One or the other has denied their needs. Wake up husbands and wives before you lose your keys and you
cannot find them anymore. The Holy
Ghost wrote these things a long time ago to keep your marriage from getting
into trouble.
If you want to affair proof your marriage, don’t push
away or deny your spouse the fulfillment of their needs. Let’s not become disobedient to the Word
of God in these areas because we allow our own selfishness, pride and
insecurities to dictate our bedroom practices.
Ladies
you need to understand or at least try to, that men are turned on by sight. He needs to be drunk on you! Don’t you want him to be consumed with
thoughts of you? Are you doing things to make him drunk on you? Song of Solomon talks about being drunk
on love. He needs to be drunk on
your love. Taken by you! He should be dreaming about coming home
to you, like a wino sniffing the cork who cannot wait for the next drink!
Let’s
talk sniffing. Your husband likes to
sniff perfume and see you! It’s a
drug to him and draws him like a moth to the flame! Ladies you know how to catch your man and make him not
forget about you. At the same
time, men, you need to understand that women are turned on by touch. They need your affection, slowly and
gently. They need your
conversation and sweet touch.
Men, you need to smell good and be
clean. Not all sweaty and
nasty. Fellows, you need to take
your time and love your wife slow.
Never be a “wham bam thank you” kind of jerk. Each of you,
husbands and wives need to treasure one another. According to 1 Peter
3:7, you are “heirs together of
the grace of life.” It
encourages us to know that and walk it so that, “…our prayers be not hindered.” Never forget the power of your precious intimate friend that
the Lord brought to your life.
What a great prize the Lord has blessed you with.
Let me
close with this story. My father
is a private pilot. Years ago on a
Saturday or Sunday afternoon he would take me to this grass strip airport. All the “old pilots” would be sitting
on this porch area and they would tell flying stories. As a young kid, oh about 11 or 12, some
of these were absolutely hilarious.
One day my Dad was up flying with someone and I was waiting for him to
land and we were going to go get some ice cream or something. One of the older men there was telling
a story and it was so funny. He
got to the end of his story and after everyone had gotten over their laughter,
he piped up loudly and said, “Boys, this has been fun today! But it’s time for me to go home and play
with mama. You all would be wise
to do that too!” This guy was in his 80’s.
What a
statement. It rings true
today. Don’t lose your keys. Don’t send your dearest and most
intimate friend to bed hungry. Render “Due Benevolence” to each other. You’ll find that a lot your problems
will be cured.
